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Unkept-Promises.net Reviewed - Sep 18, 09:48

Before I get to the big juicy review I’d like to mention a few things: The first being that both Amanda of love-amanda.net fame and her bestest bud Colleen Marie, formerly of colleen-marie.org, are both back and probably still as big as ever. The good news is that Amanda’s grammar has improved quite a bit as her domain name is imandy. Yes you Mandy, iBecky. Let’s have a round of applause for her. Also worth a read is Rhiannon’s latest article: Cry Me A River. Cry me a river indeed.

Oh and keep your eye on Internet Police because there’s a new layout brewing somewhere in there and I’m going to duct tape Sarai down for five minutes so we can do an investigation. Yes I am blaming her for the lack of really stupid people to investigate. Whatchu gonna do call the Internet Police? Hah! I laugh at you. Hah! So if you know any exceptionally stupid people please send them to us, we’ll love you forever and ever… only our love is rather cold so I don’t know why anyone would want it.

I don’t really do reviews that often because to be honest I suck at them. Why do this one? I’m bored and the owner had a small fit of self-rightous indignation on DMB (as can be seen with the line on her website “DMB.org go to hell.” Classic.

Caution this review may contain explicit language. But only if you’re browsing at work or are a weird care bear sort.

Opening thoughts

Unkept-Promises.net – It’s pink? It’s definitely pink, and not a pretty pink either. It’s more of a grey “I’m really tired of living so please shoot me and put me out of my depressing misery” kind of pink. Not in the least bit appealing particularly because that depressing, horrifying pink is the only colour you’ve used. No scratch that you’ve used a red that makes me feel bad inside along with that depressing, horrifying pinky purple that I really hate.

Colour scheme aside the layout is suffering from size problems. Namely the sidebar is almost as big as the content and whilst the sidebar is a really good size, the content should be bigger. Widen that shit out for gods sake, don’t let Weborexia ruin your life.

Layout

I’ve been sitting here for the past 10 minutes trying to figure out exactly how Marilyn Monroe + American $1 bill + VW Bug = layout. Move over “how is a raven like a writing desk” we have us a new unsolvable riddle. The image overall is flat, boring and not well done. The text and swirly brushes you’ve stamped randomly across the image distract from, what I am only assuming is, the focal point of the image: the VW Bug.

Randomly choosing images is a pretty big no-no. Randomly choosing images, slapping brushes on top of it with a flat colour is even worse. I’m still bouncing around the image because it makes no sense. Why is a dollar bill sticking out from behind the bug? Why are the Marilyn Monroe triplets sitting behind the car smiling? Why are you 24 years old and whining about people telling you the truth and stating you aren’t going back there? Alas I doubt that those questions will be answered.

The image would probably look a lot better if you chose images that meshed well with each other and actually meant something. Using Google Image search to find pictures of Marilyn Monroe, a VW Bug and an American dollar bill means nothing to the average visitor and I sincerely doubt it means anything to you. Sure you could love Marilyn Monroe, drive a VW Bug and have a fetish for $1 bills, but that doesn’t mean they should go together. I mean I love chocolate, apples and coffee but I’m sure as hell not going to throw all that into a blender and drink the resulting toxic waste.

The width of the sidebar is nearly identical to that of the content, the sidebar should be smaller than the content and the content should be larger than the sidebar. Never, ever make them the same size, unless you’re capable of doing it in a clever way that makes me go “ooh”. Seeing as you’re obviously not follow the age old tradition of making the content larger than the sidebar.

The welcome bit in the sidebar is not needed, if you must have it then please make it shorter. A blurb is good, a blurb is great but a paragraph of text telling people that this here is your opinion and if they don’t like it then just leave just makes you look like an idiot. * snaps fingers * GURLFRAND! I also see no point in having the paragraph of text explaining your likes, dislikes and mental problems. I don’t want to know that. If I wanted to know that I’d look on your about page. Keep that shit there and off the sidebar please.

The navigation is boring and ugly, for accessibilities sake make the names the links because we don’t need them to be numbered. Spice it up with some sexy styles and make it “poppin’” please.

Content

Before I actually rip you a new one for your subpages I’d like to address this small, tiny, itty bitty issue I have with your disclaimer. It won’t take long I promise.

Dearest visitor – Please remember that you are indeed the visitor and would greatly appreciate much respect towards myself and the domain. If you don’t, hell will break loose. Also, please keep all negative comments and/or flames to yourself. Thank you!

You don’t know who I am, where I come from or what I’m thinking about you and now you’re demanding respect. Excuse me but unless you show signs of intelligent life I’m going to mock you and flame you until the cows, or Sarai, come home. Hell will break loose? What hell is that pray tell, the only blog we’ll be able to read for the next year is yours? Screw the death penalty, that’s a great deterrent!

So what will you do to me when you discover this? I really want to know, it’s a rather vague threat when you think about it. Does she mean the biblical version of hell? Is she going to gather up her cronies and come kick my ass? Send a puppy to lick my face with it’s stinky puppy breath? WHAT IN THE WORLD WILL SHE DO TO ME IF I TELL HER THE TRUTH? Honestly? Probably not a whole lot, I might even get an indignant blog out of you, if that, but probably not much more. Your version of hell bores me, my version of hell (when I usurp the throne and become Satan) is going to be way scarier than yours with forced Sex and the City marathons and I’m going to have Imogen Heap play all day long.

Your biography is a compelling read. It outlines the story of one young womans struggles with acceptance in this harsh cruel world. I felt a connection with you as I read it… actually wait that was just a burp. I didn’t actually read your biography seeing as your entire about section is one big 404. Fix that shit up before you go live.

Your icons are boring and ugly and the domain section is a domain section. What more can I say? Oh yeah I forgot: don’t center text it looks horrible. Align that shit to the left and never, ever center it again.

In closing

You know some of you may think I did a shitty thing to Marilyn Monroe on my layout, but you know what? I don’t give a damn what you have to say. Curse me out all you want but it’s my domain, and I like it so fuck you right back bitch. I’m never going back to that message board again. It’s just a freakin layout. Sheesh.

Stop being such an immature dickwad. You’re 24 years old you should know better by now.

p.s. Pink and red don’t go together. At least not in the way you used them. You need Colour Lovers ASAP.

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