How to Effectively Manage Your Time, Use Your To-Do List Correctly and Become a Better Person in Three Days Guaranteed (includes free iPod) Apr 13, 08:55

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You know I’ve been reading these life tutorials and something just occurred to me: there’s too goddamn many, someone should condense this. After all, people who read these productivity blogs don’t have any spare time (except to, you know, read productivity blogs). And who better than me? Keeping in mind I’m assuming you’re a douche for even thinking this shit will work. This post was partially inspired by Sarai’s recent post, Productivity Blogs And Why They Suck. Please read all the fine print and have a good time.

Let’s get started.

By reading this you’re agreeing to pay me fifty bucks. I’m poor, unemployed and too proud to do sponsored posting. I need the monies.

How to Effectively Manage Your Time

If you’re reading this then it’s safe to assume that you’re using the internet. Unless someone actually printed this off so you could read it… smack him or her for killing a tree and go about your day. The internet is the biggest time waster ever invented and the only way you can become more productive is to stop using it (or stop sleeping). Chances are pretty good if you’re reading this blog, and nodding your head like it’s really going to change your life, you won’t be missed. Good day.

Get More From Your RSS Feedreader

First you need to subscribe to my feed. Then you need to subscribe to Internet Police’s feed. After that pat yourself on the back for a job well done and bask in my (or our) awesomeness.

Become a Fitter, Trimmer, Healthier You

Success is not guaranteed. User must stick to the lifestyle and not have any pre-existing medical conditions, even then success is still not guaranteed. If you thought it was you’re an idiot.

Get off your flabby ass, go for a walk and stop eating shit. You should also realise that you’re never going to be tight, trim and toned so you might as well give up on that fantasy and come back to reality with the rest of us. If you’re chubby, you’re chubby. If you’re thin, you’re thin. That’s no excuse to sit there eating Big Mac’s, though.

Success still not guaranteed. Fool.

Get Rich Quick

Become a golddigger or gigolo. There’s no quicker way than finding some desperate old geezer or cougar willing to support a hot young piece of ass in return for sexy-time. Remember, robbing a bank takes brains and time and you don’t have a lot of those.

Contrary to popular belief sponsored posting and ads aren’t a good way to get rich quick. They aren’t even a good way to get less poor over a long period of time.

How to Get Inspired

Get up, go outside and realise that sitting on the computer reading blogs telling you how to become more inspired was a waste of fucking time and this is where it’s at.

Save on Gas

Walk or bicycle to the store if you can. Common sense and logic tell me that if the car isn’t being used, gas is being saved. If that’s not possible then remove excess weight from your trunk. If none of these suggestions do it for you then you’re screwed.

Get More Visitors

Let’s be honest, gaining a visitor base is hard work and in this fast-paced, give it to me now world we’re not interested in hard work. So let’s speed this up really quick: Drama sells. Involve yourself in drama and you’ll become instantly popular overnight. The easiest way to go about this is to get featured on some popular bloggers website. How? You’ll need the following:

You’ll need to write a nice lengthy blog post about how it’s your site and that, no, you don’t care about the bitches. Why? Because it’s your site. Get it? Good. It helps if you use examples, why not quote one or two of those popular bloggers? Lambaste them for daring to have valid coding (they hate that) or for pointing out why shitty sites are so shitty (they hate that even more). Chances are good that at some point one of them will be bored enough to blog about you and send some link love your way.

I lied about the iPod. And I want my fifty bucks.

What can I say? Brilliant as always!

#1 Malin Apr 13, 12:22 Permalink

Ahaha this is awesome! I especially like the one about getting site visitors! :P
Oh well, off to make my site illegible and taunt the Drama Llama I suppose!
scampers off

#2 Holly Apr 13, 14:58 Permalink

OMG WHERE’S MY IPOD BITCH! YOU TOOK FIVE MINUTES OF MY TIME, I WANT IT BACK!

I’ve never actually read a productivity blog, so I’m a bit clueless in terms of how they write…but if it’s anything like this, please, spare me. Surely it can all be summed up with one phrase: Use common sense.

#3 Amanda Apr 13, 16:15 Permalink

LOL @ the drama… and yet half of the drama posts are always about how much they hate drama, how childish it is…

HEHE: loved this post!

#4 Vera Apr 13, 22:12 Permalink

Ha! So accurate and so true. Great post.

#5 Aimée Apr 19, 23:39 Permalink

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